Wristcut Show
by Niimurabaka
Summary: A morbid Fanfic about the jrock band Dir en Grey. How one girls "death" and anothers "breakup" throws the bands life into a spiral of blood, sorrow and broken hearts.


_Title: _"The Wrist-cut Show"

_Warning: _Morbid themes

_Chapter one:_ I wonder who's crying now?

"_**If I could forget you without hesitation, sleeping with a kiss to unheated death." **_

Being alone…I thought I would never need to feel emptiness for such a thing. I had always been without someone but it's all her fault that it become such a pain.

I was so ugly. My blond hair unclean and now dingy yellow that was disgusting to look at. My eyes bleeding tears of black makeup. My filthy image stared back at me. I gripped the sides of the mirror and stared harder as if I would find something else in the mirror beside my reflection. I couldn't stand how ugly I looked. I found strength in my disgust and in one simple pull the Mirror come off it's hinges. I threw it into wall, pieces of glass flying across the bathroom floor. I sank to the floor in a sobbing heap.

Why did it hurt so much? I had never wanted someone to love, I had never wanted to be tied down, I never wanted to feel pain for the lose of someone else…

That phone call this morning. It was the messenger of bad news. Kaoru's voice had been so weak, so broken by his own sobs I had barley heard what he said. It took me what seemed like forever to understand what he had just told me. And then finally I understood…

_It had been raining, a 18 wheeler had lost control and slammed into the drivers side of the car. She was dead on impact._

The words where an invisible blade that pierced my heart in till it bled blood as black as night. It was still bleeding now. My personal demons bathing it and singing. A song of joy at my sorrow. A song that screamed the word…suicide.

I couldn't take my life, that would be to easy. I needed to pay for all the sins that colored my soul the black hue it was now. It was easy to jump into the black abyss of death rather then stay in the cruel spiral of life, but death was a offer that was so hard to refuse and now…it was even harder.

I had hurt myself before. Bled to impair myself further, to make myself so ugly no one would ever want to be around me. I then remembered the reason why I had come into the bathroom in the first place. I stood up using the sink for the support and grabbed the discarded razor in the sink. My lips curled upwards into a hideous sneer, this razor was an old friend of mine I hadn't seen a while. It had even began to rust. How long had it been? A half a year? Maybe a year? It seemed like eternity but everything these days seemed like it would last forever…including this pain. I yanked my sleeve up exposing flesh marked with scars from past failures. My hands trembled as my old friend hovered above my wrist. I couldn't do it, though it promised relief I couldn't do it. It dropped and clattered on the floor.

Somehow even now, doing it would be hurting her…I always hurt her. I always found a way to do it even if I didn't touch her. She cared so much and I cared so little about myself that it hurt her like a ghostly dagger. There had been many night when she had come home to find me stoned and bloody. She always cried, yet she would smile and tell me please stop and that she wouldn't leave me no matter what. It seemed the past year all she did was cry and smile through the pain. Why? Why didn't she just walk out? It would have been so much easier on her.

I blamed myself for her death. I know it wasn't really my fault, but the blame would be put on me. Not to me face anyway, people would tell me how sorry they felt, fans would write letters saying they knew how I felt and that they hoped I could continue, but as soon as I turned my back there would be whispers. Told in shadows so I wouldn't hear.

"He's a druggy."

"A wife beater"

" a suicidal bastard"

"Filthy"

"Worthless"

"She should have had better."

The words burned in my mind. A raging fire of pure malice. My mind was melting into a pool of darkness.

"Daddy, are you okay?"

Such a pure innocent voice. The voice of an angel in a world of blood spill.

There the angel stood in the doorway. Her pale blond hair messy with sleep. She rubbed her eyes.

"Daddy what's wrong? Where's mommy? Is breakfast ready?"

I stumbled forward cutting my foot on the glass shards. Blood pooled around my foot. A worried look crossed her young face.

"Daddy, your foot is bleeding."

She bent down and touched my foot like it was going to help…help what? The pain? The blood lose? What was it going to help?

The song of my demons changed. It was now a tune that did nothing but laugh at me. It was echoing in my head. Soon everything was laughing at me… She was laughing at me!

I grabbed her shoulder and pushed her away from me. She fell cutting her small, hands on the glass shards. She looked at me, eyes wide and filled with unknowing. She didn't understand why "daddy" was doing this.

_She pities you_

"Don't pity me," I screamed grabbing her by the hair and throwing her out of the bathroom. She flew into the hallway wall and slid to the floor in a heap. I stood staring at her young body…what was I doing? What have I become? I caught my own reflection in the shards of glass. I knew what I have become….I saw in those shards, fragments of a monster….

š

Kaoru sat in the café smoking instead of drinking his coffee which had become cold anyway. It had been sitting there since early this morning. Dark shades covered his eyes. Not because of the sun considering it was raining but to hide how red they had become. He had spent half the morning weeping. He hated crying. It made him look so weak. He took a long drag on his cigarette. There was to many thoughts in his head, to much emotional baggage to be sorted through and he didn't have the strength to do it.

"Sir would you like a new ashtray?"

A voice broke through his thoughts. He looked up at her. She was a women in her early 50's with a easy smile and snow white hair. She smiled at him sweetly.

" You look horrible sonny! You look like your best friend died."

The word "died" burned his ear. A very unpleasant reminder of what had happened this morning.

The old women's smile faded. She most have seen the pained expression cross Kaoru's face.

"I'm real sorry sonny. I didn't mean to bring up painful memories."

Kaoru managed a weak smile.

"It's not your fault. I'm just still…in shook about this morning."

The old women gasped and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Oh my. Where you friends with that poor girl? I'm so sorry!"

Memories flashed past Kaoru's eyes like a movie on fast-forward. It hurt so bad. It stung his eyes, his ears. His insides burned. He clenched his teeth barley able to stop himself from screaming out loud.

"What's wrong sonny? Snap out of it." the old women pleaded shaking him a little.

_Kaoru wake up._

Kaoru's eyes snapped open. He had heard her voice, he knew he had. But the only person there was the old women a worried look on her face.

"You all right now?"

Kaoru looked outside and nodded.

"I think so…."

š

_Was it morning already? _

"_Yes sleepy you slept all morning"_

_Well you kept me up all night._

"_oh really! You missed everything this morning."_

_What did I miss?_

"_Breakfast"_

_Wow! I'm so sorry! I'm gonna lose sleep over it now_

"_well you should"_

_Hee hee maybe I will! Then you should feel bad!_

"_Die?"_

_Yeh_

"_Do you love me?"_

_of course_

_Fire, blood…all that red smeared across my dreams. No my memories, my every wakening thoughts. _

Die awoke with a start. He was bathed in a cold sweat. It was so cold in hear. He rolled over and feel off the sofa.

"What the hell." he cursed.

He realized he didn't know where he was. It was so dark, so quiet. The only sound was the rain outside. He rubbed his eyes.

"where the hell am I?"

He stood and almost fell on his face. He legs felt weak and his head was pounding. He rubbed his temples and looked around the darkened room trying to regain his thoughts.

What had happened last night?

What had he done?

_Pleasure_.

Images shot through his head. Two bodies pressed against each other, lips half parted in gasps.

_The need_

_The hunger. _

He shook his head clearing the images. He couldn't remember. Where these images from the night before or images from the past. The past that refused to leave him be. He ran his fingers through his hair. Short but still red. It was a constant remember of her leaving…he had always kept his hair long. She had liked it long and frankly so did he. After the break-up however he had chopped it. One night of sobbing had finished off with him destroying his scarlet locks.

"_Do you love me?"_

_Of course_

"_Well…don't cause I hate you!"_

_What?_

"_Are your deaf ? or just stupid? I said I hate you!"_

And with that she left. She ran out the door leaving all her belongings behind. Die knew he should have run after her, he should have tried to make it all right but he didn't…he just watched her go. Confusion crossing his face. She had never come back for her stuff and Die couldn't let it go. So everything stayed the same. Maybe he thought that one day that she would just come back, like it had all been a big joke, but he knew deep down that wasn't true. Die wasn't stupid he knew she would never come back, and he knew it was foolish of him to keep everything, but he just… couldn't let that life slip away that easy.

The door flew open interrupting his thoughts. He stared at the figure looming in the doorway, trying to figure out who it was.

"your up." said the person in the doorway in a grave voice.

It then hit him. He knew where he was.

"Shinya!" Die almost yelled.

"What?"

Shinya's voice was so grave. Die knew Shinya was the quiet type he didn't like to talk, and die teased him a lot so he didn't talk to Die at all unless to yell at him. But Shinya's voice held something that wasn't anger at die. It was something different, something much more painful.

Shinya closed the door behind him and turned on the table light. Die blinked while his eyes tried to focus with the sudden light. Shinya was drenched head to toe. It seemed like he hadn't brought a umbrella with him or even a coat for that matter. His long black hair was plastered to his face. Die still thought Shinya looked odd with black hair and he still couldn't figure out why he had got rid of his chestnut brown hair. He looked almost too pale for the black hair. Die wanted to ask shinya what had happened last night but before he could a cell phone was thrown at him, in which he barley caught.

"call kyo! Make sure he's alive still"  
And with that shinya disappeared into his the kitchen, leaving Die confused with a cold hole starting to grow inside him.

š

Blue light flickered on the walls of the otherwise dark room, accompanied by dramatic music and the sound of buttons being pressed. Toshiya's dark hair fell in front of his eyes as he pounded away at the game controller. A slim curvy feminine figure laid on the bed asleep, her long raven black hair trailing down the silk sheets. The walls turned a red hue as the words THE END crossed the screen. Toshiya pressed restart and started again. The girl on the bed awoke and rubbed her eyes. She got up and softly padded over to the sofa where Toshiya was sitting was slid in next to him wrapping arms around his slim waist.

"Sleep well?" he asked with a smile.

"After what we did of course. I was tired out." she answered resting her head on his naked shoulder.

A long silence fell between them.

"what's wrong? Your so quiet?" the girl asked breaking the stillness of the room.

"Nothing I'm just caught up in the game" he answered without looking at her.  
She frowned. He was lying she knew it by the way he wouldn't make eye contact with her. She sighed and hugged him.

"Do you still feel bad for taking me in?"

Her question was only met with silence. She untangled herself from him and stood in front of the TV blocking his view.

"Answer me?" she demanded.

More silence but finally he answered.

"Yah..I guess I still do…it still feels so…so"

"So what?"

"wrong…"

She shook her head and embraced him. He always thought this was his fault when in reality it was all hers.

"It's not you fault Toshiya, it's mine. Maybe I shouldn't have run, but what could I have done? They told me if I didn't get out they would kill him. I should I have been stronger I guess.…"

"I know Lilith but...I cant seem to get over the fact that I have to lie to his face everyday. I have to see him die a little more because you not with him…I comfort him knowing full well that when I come home you'll be waiting for ME not him…"


End file.
